I don't mean that in an I-had-two-tests-and-it-was-kinda-hard way. It was more of an I-was-so-busy-and-stressed-that-I-only-had-time-to-eat-three-real-meals-and-the-rest-of-my-sustenance-consisted-of-carefully-rationed-Andes-mints-and-ginger-cookies way. True story. I did not eat enough that week.
The week of death was scheduled to end with a dress rehearsal Thursday night and three performances Friday through Saturday of "Celebration of Christmas"--the annual Christmas concert of the four auditioned choirs at BYU (BYU Singers, Concert Choir, Men's Chorus, and Women's Chorus).
On top of the stress, the shortage of time, and the lack of any real kind of nourishment, it was a very rough week emotionally. I had been deeply hurt that week--not intentionally. No one had deliberately done anything that could or should have hurt me, but I was hurting, and I was struggling. ...More than I would ever like to admit. It was one of the few times in my life that I have seriously doubted my self confidence and my knowledge that I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who would always love me.
I worked very hard to finish my schoolwork early in order to spend what energy I had left on the rehearsals and performances. Even so, I was struggling to pay attention, and I had not yet found any meaning in the music to convey the audience. (Sister Applonie encourages us each to make it our priority to uplift and convey messages of the Spirit to those in the audience.) I just couldn't do it. I wasn't feeling the Spirit to begin with, and the words I was singing had no meaning for me. The feelings I had were not feelings of love, comfort, and joy--they were feelings of tiredness, loneliness, and an overwhelming sadness. Those certainly weren't things I was supposed to share with the audience.
I didn't find the answer to my problem until the very last performance on Saturday night.
That day had been particularly hard. I don't think I cracked a smile the whole day, and I was having a difficult time finding the strength to do what I was supposed to. When I got to the HFAC for the final performance, I--still unsmiling--went through the motions of warming up, and last-minute polishing of our pieces.
Right before we went on, Sister Applonie gave each of us an assignment. She said:
"If you haven't yet found a meaning for this music or performance, let me suggest this:
What you need, give."
It struck a chord within me.
Women's Chorus was ushered onstage. I stood, looking out at the audience, still unsure what to think or do or ask for. We finished "Ding Dong Merrily on High" without a hitch, and I was waiting to start the second piece when a flood of thoughts hit me like a tsunami:
What I need is forgiveness.
I also need to find it within my heart to forgive.
I need to feel loved.
I also need to love those around me--even those that hurt me.
I need to know that I am not alone.
I also need to help others see that they are never alone.
As I sang and sang, tears streamed down my face. I finally found what I needed to share with the audience and what I needed for myself. I finally sang with an open heart. As we sang the last verse, a feeling of deep love and reverence came over me.
What can I give Him?
Poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb.
If I were a wise man, I would do my part.
Yet, what I can I give Him;
Give my heart.
I thought of the baby whose birth we celebrate at Christmas time, and as I did I thought of something I hadn't before. Yes, it is wonderful that He came to the earth, just as it is with every child who does. However, the greatest miracle is in why He came. He came to teach us, to lift us up, and most of all He came to redeem us. He is the Savior, my Savior--the Prince of Peace.
Because of Him, I can find the strength and comfort to cope with every trial. When I was trying very hard, but still couldn't find it within myself to completely forgive, He filled my deficit. I can be, do, and become so much more because of Him.
At that moment, a great weight was lifted from me. I was so grateful I could almost feel the comfort hugging me. I was not only reminded of the Savior, Jesus Christ, and who he is, I was reminded who I was--a daughter of God.
The rest of the concert was swell except for the final song. It was glorious. As we all sang "The First Noel," I imagined what it would have been like to be in the chorus of angels that sang the real first noel. What would it have been like to participate in that heavenly choir and see the glorious event of the Savior's birth? In my little, mortal mind, I can't even begin to imagine, but I'm sure it was wondrous.
So, in the true spirit of the season, I would like to wish you all a very, very merry Christmas. May we always remember the true reason for our celebration, and may we keep it in our hearts and minds all year--especially during times of hardship, trial, and doubt--for He is the source of the comfort and strength to get through such times.
For those of you who would like to watch the performance, here is a streaming of it:
(Women's Chorus starts at 16:00-ish, and the First Noel is 1:21:00-ish. Come, Thou Long Expected Jesus (45:00) is also wonderful.)
