Becoming Anxiously Engaged

Before you ask, no, I'm not engaged.  Not that way, anyways. :)
I'm talking about this phrase of glory:

"Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness." 
—Doctrine and Covenants 58:27

I've had a lot to think about lately because of this proverb, but there are three things it says in particular that seem to hit me between the eyes every time.


A good cause.


There are so many all around me.  When I'm working and have time to think about all I could be doing, there are gajillions of wonderful, helpful, fantastic tasks I could be doing.  However, when I have time to do them, I can think of none.  I find this very irritating.


Own free will.


This has also been a thorn in my side for the summer.  I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have been meaning to wake up at 6:00 so I can go running/biking/doing something active, eat a good, healthy breakfast, and have a long, quiet scripture study before work.  Have I done it once this whole summer???  The answer is this, my friends.  Sadly, no.  Well...maybe once...halfway.  Do I feel bad every morning when I wake up just a little too late to follow through?  You betcha!


The bottom line is this:  I have no self-discipline.  To do this or a myriad of other things I've been meaning to do.  I was champion at this during school, why can't I do it now?  I don't know.  And I don't know how to remedy it.  Which is much more frustrating than not knowing why.


Bring to pass much righteousness.


This is the part that has given me more qualms than either of the first two.  Much righteousness.  Much.  That's a lot one person can do.  And it's completely within my ability to do it.  Why don't I?  


I could learn to play the guitar and drums like I've always wanted.  I could practice piano.  I could sew a new wardrobe.  I could motivate my siblings to exercise, cook, clean, and be even more awesome (if possible).  I could re-finish Granny's swing, and weed the garden.  I could finally record the last 2 years of my life in my journal, and write letters to the 5 cousins, 4 (FHE) brothers, and some 7 thousand friends on missions.  I could call Lis at last, and actually figure out how to do my calling properly.  I could finally muster up the gumption to just do what's good, proper, and right for goodness sake.


And that's not even half of what I could do!  And that list is somewhat selfish.  I could do so much more.  Much...


Anxiously engaged...


Still, the good news is, and this has been the light at the end of the tunnel,  I have such wonderful people around me.  Mom and I had an hour to chat today, just us, and I needed it a lot.  She didn't know, but she helped me see today that I'm not a complete failure.  I am anxiously engaged in some things.  And in those little areas, I have done much good.  For myself and others.


Every week, I play Chicago-ball with all my cousins who live close by.  I am by far the oldest that goes, and I love it.  No one is too slow or too bad or too little to play, and every week I leave out of breath, with a smile plastered on my face, and with a month's worth of hugs.  :)


Today, I played soccer with Madi and Max.  We giggled and ran and enjoyed the sunshine and were so silly together.  We came home and cleaned the house from top to bottom together, and I rather enjoyed it.


And I do help Mom and Dad a little.  It's not near as much as I want to and wish I could, but I'm trying to do what I think to do, and it is helping some.


And I do notice the blessings God gives me everyday.  I live in a beautiful place with a splendid family.  For some reason, I have a lot of friends who love me, and I am blessed to know that God lives, that Christ is His son, and that I am supposed to struggle sometimes.  It's oddly comforting to know that.  I am human.  And I can't do everything.  And most of what I do, I don't do as well as I wish, but that's what this life is for.  To figure out how to grow and learn.  And we're supposed to be happy as we do it and find joy in the journey.  


I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I feel so inadequate and foolish and so..... careless sometimes, I just have to keep doing what President Gordon B. Hinckley said to do everyday:

"Try a little harder to be a little better."

It's a great idea.  Read it.

:)